Anxiety is wrapping around my hope..

Well, since the last posting, here is my update.. so, did i strike the jackpot last month?? nope.. my menses came promptly on CD 28....

So we proceeded to try again the next month.. On CD 8, we Baby Dance, however, i was down with food poisoning the next 2 days and had a buscopan jab.... i thought that all my chances are gone.. further more, before that, i lost my voice on Nov. 28... my health seems not so good for the month's try..

I decided that it is unlikely that we will strike, so, i indulge myself in coffee, n at the X'mas dinner, lots of liquour..though we still proceed to try..

CD 28, which is X'mas day morning arrives.. My menses hasn't reported yet... i looked at the stack of Home Pregnancy kits (HPT) that i have in my drawer.. i thought.. why not try it? since i have plenty? get the hope over & done with.. took a sample of urine n i dip the test kit into it...

I watch the purple strain move upwards.. then.. to my disbelief, there were 2 lines.. one faint line that was getting darker by the minute... I shrieked.. i screamed AK's name...

He was like.. "what what??" and opened the toilet door.. there i was sitting on the toilet bowl still and staring at the strip...

His first response? "..hm... when did we do it?? so strange.."

Feelings that flowed through??

1) Relief. We are still fertile after all...
2) Joy. after 4 months of trying, God is giving us another chance.
3) Love. for the growing baby in me..
4) Fear.. Heaps of fear swishing through my veins...
Will the situation repeats itself?? will we lost hope again? how come i have no feeling of nausea before i took this test?
5) Cowardly. We decided not to tell anyone until we are more stable.
6) confusion. I have a job offer already and i was ready to make the switch. Until this.. Do i still go ahead with the switch? Or do i stay put until the pregnancy is stable? then we will see how??

AK hugged me and tell me that the first step is over.. We will walk the path again, but this time more cautiously, with hope still, but with more guarded feelings.

The next step? Week 7 - 9th Jan onwards. Now, we hope to last until then smoothly.. we pray very hard thatno problems will pop up before that. And we hope that at the end of week 7, we will be able to see a strong beating heart in my womb..

now, if only i can push away the guilty feeling that i am having now cos of the alcohol & caffeine intake...

What am i feeling now physically?

i had nausea yesterday, but not much today (This worries me...) my womb has twitching feelings.. and i felt so tired yesterday... but today? i lost that sleepy feeling...(this makes me wonder if i am losing my symptoms..).. Please don't.. please.. don't let history repeat itself...
Baby, i love you and i am sure your brothers & sisters will not let you join them...please grow healthily.... i love you... all of you..

CD 24.... 4 more days...

Hello,

I didn't sleep so well yesterday.. had dreams about people comparing my apartment with theirs!

Anyway, I woke up early.. wow.. it was cold these few nights.. Anyway, I decided Since last sunday to start taking my body basal temperature (BBT). It will help me monitor my cycle.. and also.. just for fun..

since sunday, my temperature has been mantaining at ~36.7 degrees celsius on average.. i dunno if this is considered high.. but.. i just take note.. it seems that if the temperature mantains at a higher then usual temperature for 18 days since ovulation, it is a strong likelihood that I am pregnant..

but, since i never took my temperature from Nov 12 onwards.. i can't be sure.. :P

What am I experiencing now? Well, I have the following suspicious symptoms that can indicate either that i am pregnant or I am suffering from PMS:

1) Sore boobies..they can bounce now.. and rather painful.. and my nipples are quite prominent.. also the nipple on my right side seems darker then usual..

2) nausea & queasy feeling..(dunno if it is due to my sub-conscious wishing for symptoms, the coffee that i take every morning, the indigestion i suffers from eating too much oily food..)

3) A very subtle lower back aching which is on & off.. (is it due to my bed??)

4) sleepless nights: lots of tossing & turning.

one of my internet frens suggested that I test with a HPT.. but i tested on sat.. nothing positive.. and i was rather upset.. so, maybe i just wait.. and see if my menses reports on next monday..

then we will know.. i cross my fingers..

Starting all over again...

It has been such a long time since i entered this blog.. and it is because it would have caused me alot of pain.....

I had lost the last baby... and those drops of blood.. were starting signs of miscarriage..

the baby stopped growing and my body started to reject it..

I will never forget that day.. I called AK after the gynae told me the harsh facts.. i was screaming in my mind silently.. NONONONO.... praying desperately that he is not telling me the bad news...

The next day, we went for 2nd opinion, only to have the facts harshly drummed in again, though more gently...

Today, if i am still pregnant, i would have been in my 5th month..I tell myself that I had asked for a healthy baby.. and the last one was not meant to be with us.. bye my baby... i love you...

As it is, i have to restart my life again.. and only to realise that life goes on , work goes on, regardless of what you had gone through..

AK & I are not giving up and we have started trying again since 3 months ago... The last gynae has assured us that we should try again and we didn' have any problems. The last miscarriage was a random case..
Easier said then done... but i don't want to think about it.. another gal fren, who miscarried same time as me, is now 3 months pregnant again.. I have hope..

Today is CD 23... having sore boobies.. really sore.. but otherwise, no other symptoms..

crossing fingers and praying to the Gods that we can have a healthy baby soon...

precious drops of blood

Sigh.. what a night!!

I had some brownish spotting last evening, but, as it wasn't so much and i wasn't in pain, i dismissed it, though i do have some worrying thoughts..

Read finished my new book: Key of Knowledge by Nora Roberts.. then, decided to visit the toilet cos of high tide..

And discovered more discharge from my vagina, this time, more reddish in colour..!

I panicked and woke up AK... we decided to go to the 24 hrs clinic in KKH.

Reaching there, I was registered by a pinched-face nurse, who was crisp with me.. not exactly rude, but also not dripping with good service..

I had a gynae see to me within 10 mins. A young doc, by the name of Mary -Ann.. i seemed to have woken her from her sleep..

She took a long instrument, wrap it with an extremely long condom like material and put some KY jelly on it and inserted it into my vagina for a more detailed examination of what's going on..

Immediately, she noticed that the brownish discharge was not coming from way inside the uterus, but more towards the entrance..

She showed me the embryo's location.. everything seems fine and she prescribed some hormone tablets to stablise the pregnancy, + more folic acid.. and made me an appointment on the 29th July for further check up..

Sigh... i slept better after that..in fact, not enough sleep!!

Today? Still having the brownish discharge leh.. not sure...but just take my medication first and see how..

Poor AK, worried sick and not enough rest.. and now, the Doc say.. no more "action" from him for the time being..poor dear.. must try to make him feel better..

so sleepy...

Yawnz.. what a lazy day we are having today..

did some surfing today in the office and realise that citibank has some promotion that can be used to get delivery, hospital and antenatal discounts at Gleneagles hospital...

And mum told me that the last gynae that she had was from Gleneagles -Tanny Chen.. charge 800 sgd immediately, covers unlimited visits and include delivery charges! And this doctor is still practising!

Hm, dilemma dilemma...what to do? who to see? which hospital?

I also receive a new insurance plan which covers any unforeseen situation in a pregnancy...quite expensive.. not sure if we should take it up.. since all other insurance doesn't cover this area..

today got Mango sale! 70% off.. bought a top for 13SGD.. hee hee. must pamper myself before baby arrives.. next time cannot liao.. the top is free size, tie around the neck n back and v cut in the middle, so quite good even if i am in my fifth month.. i think!! but the people quite a lot at the sale.. i didn't feel quite well and thought i was going to faint! But.. i did take my iron pills.. hmm,, they say that if you take iron pills with vitamin C e.g. orange juice, it will be better absorbed. so. i think i will try that next time.. by the way, i hate orange juice..though this few weeks, i did drink quite a bit..

Nausea? Nope, not much..but i realise that i dun avoid vegetables nowadays..it is like my body can give me signals what i should eat... still feel quite tired.. and it is only 4.10pm!! ARGGGHH!! HOW TO SURVIVE UNTIL 6pm??

Hee hee, i told mum via sms that i am pregnant and she sms me back "congratulations". My boss Dave, was concerned about my trip and insist that I cancel it, so no need to go liao..

Went to my parents-in-law place for dinner yesterday, didn't tell them.. Waiting for Andy to tell them first..

He called them after work, when i picked him up and we were buying bread for the next day's breakfast. His mum was asleep but was woken up at his insistence..guess what she said when told the news? That she was suspecting it, but as we didn't reveal, so, she didn't say anything lor!

When Andy tell her to inform his Dad, she said.. "oh, no.. tomorrow then tell him.. otherwise, he sure cannot sleep one..!!"

Uh oh.. baby got 4 extremely doting grandparents..hmm. 3 now.. dunno about my daddy.. wait he teach baby how not to vomit in cars!! or how to polish cars!! haha..

My first view of baby!!

WOW!

I had my first view of my baby today!

These few days were a blur of happy confusion. not sure what to do.. not sure who i should see for my gynae.

Yesterday, during lunch time, i even went to visit the Toa Payoh Poly clinic to get a referral letter to KK hospital (Subsidised rates!! hee hee!).

The first appointment is on the 18th July at 9.30am. but i cannot wait, cos' I will be travelling to Jakarta soon and just want to be sure that everything is fine, so, this morning, AK called up Dr. Kowa @ Mt. E to make a first appointment.

He is a gentle and funny guy.. wears a bow tie.. and looks in his 40s... wow, his charges are quite a shock..

1st consultation: 50 SGD, scanning 90SGD. Subsequent consultation charges: 35 sgd/45 sgd.. antenatal package starts from 5th month of pregnancy and includes delivery which ranges from 1500 to 1700 sgd.

Excludes hospital charges, which starts from 1500 sgd, medication, baby charges.. wow..baby ah.. u so expensive ah..

Anyway, the scan shows baby at 9.73mm (~5 weeks pregnant), puting Estimated date of delivery (EDD) at 8th March 2006!!

I saw a black dot and hmm.. that's it.. and have to come back 3 weeks later for follow up.. still not sure if i want this gynae.. Think, i will keep the appointment with KKH and see how first..

I told my mum, va SMS!! (High tech hor?) She message me back congratualations. and next minute, she saw me drinking soya bean milk and called me up to tell me not to take cold drinks.
Uh oh.. the nagging starts liao..

caffeine

Hmm, am i allowed to take coffee? It is said that i shouldn't take more then 300 gms of caffeine/day and a cup of coffee has around 100 gms..

caffeine will affect the absorption of vital nutrients so.. i shouldn't take it.. but, i cannot help it!!!!
So, I am restricting my self to 1/2 cup a day.

Hope this will be fine..

Sexy mummy!!

I woke up in the morning, after another late night of mahjong where my dear husband won another 25 bucks..and i started to do some housework.. i.e. sweeping, mopping and vacuuming the floor..phew! quite hard work and i got rather breathless.. wonder how it will be like for me a few months later.. looks like i will need to yell for help then..

I am mindful to take it easy, took my vitamins and drank a glass of milk first before i do any of the above.. I still remember the last time 1 was 6 weeks pregnant, i fainted on the way to work as I was anaemic then..

Sigh, Andy slept like a piggy.. but i forgive him as he played quite late with our friends for mahjong..but, in the months to come.. hmm, i better make sure he helps me.. or i really will get very upset.

Done liao! So, next step is to dress up like a sexy babe.. i still can wear my clothes of cos! and i better make full use of it.. I won't know what my figure will become after pregnancy..

Today, i decided to go for a make over@ Stila, CK Tang, followed by a Brazillian landing strip wax at STRIP.
Nice and ouch respectively! Did some shopping at Mango and Sheer Romance (SALE!!) Next on the schedule, go to mom's place for lunch and pick up Joyce to go to km8 with CN, WK & gang. Very hip place, lots of ang mohs, SPGs and models and other wannabes and the music is just like Lush 99.5!! Nice music, not so nice crowd, in my opinion.. i see plenty of caucasian crows flying over us Asian ladies. Quite demeaning..

I wasn't supposed to take any alcohol, caffeine and raw food.. drank a little and had some tea, but i think it should be fine..

CN brought up his theory for discussion again that he is convinced that by his wedding in September, i will be pregnant and obvious. I acted blurred.. but i was smiling inside.. he is really right.. maybe i will make him my kid's godfather.. but then.. aiyah.. see how.. he dun like kids lah..

The discussion went on to trips into JB.. hmm, quite a good idea, as the prices there will be half price.. maybe i will really do that one weekend with Andy.

hmm, i should consider getting a pair of good headphones so that i can play nice music for baby to listen to at night.. like that, when it is born, it will sleep better at night.. hee hee.. good move..
yawnz

18 days of PG

The next day, Andy didn't have to work and we decided to spend the morning & afternoon together. We woke up at ~11:30am and decided to go to the post office to pay off the road tax for the car first. While i waited for him, my mind started to dwell..Yeah... question to ponder, boy or girl hah??

But, no, don't dwell on this.. we are praying for a healthy baby and a smooth pregnancy and delivery.. and the first 3 months is still not stable..

Last night, we have decided not to tell anyone until we have passed the first trimester.. this way, we avoid questions, over-dosing of "good & healthy food" from our parents and in-laws, naggy questions and issuace of instructions on what not to do.. especially, since my job requires me to travel overseas frequently. It will also give us some breathing space.. for now, it remains a secret between us and this blog of course!

Decided to go to cold storage at Takashimaya. Went to buy so much good food to feed me and baby to ensure that we keep providing the right food for baby.. cereals, wholemeal bread, fruits, fruit juices, pre natal vitamins, cheese, high calcium milk etc.. hee hee.. wonder if i eat all these will lao sai or not..

we also checked out the baby departments on cribs, strollers etc.. we are shocked at the prices! Looks like we really need to plan ahead..

Later on in the evening, we went for a stroll along East Coast Park with his parents. Had durian and chicken.. Fruit n lean meat.. Yay!! Haha, does durian counts as a fruit?? :D

Discovery of Life!!

Hubby & me has been trying for a baby since getting married last year october 2004...but so far to no avail. My menses arrived each month with incredible accuracy to our disappointment. But, we we not discouraged, as the doctor did tell us to try for 2 years before going for any specialist consultation.

There is also a shadow hanging behind in our past, since we have gave up the chance to be parents almost 7 years ago. This time round, we were more prepared and were determined to make it work!

This month, we tried again.. according to the ovulation test kits that we have invested in in the last few months, we should try ~7th of June for the highest chance for me to conceive. so we did, though it was anything but mundane as usual... we have been quite inventive and trying new things.

Then, i started to feel nauseous in the late morning and my period's late by 2 days.. i cross my fingers and hope that it don't come. There is a different feeling inside me that is trying to whisper something to me...

Lunchtime, i started window shopping for multivitamins and examining the costs of baby stuff... I never noticed that departmental stores have so much interesting stuff for babies! So fun..!! But I still have no confirmation.

Weekend came and as usual, on a Friday night (24th June), we had our usual mahjong session with our friends at home. By then, i was around 3-8 days late for my menses (depending on my shortest and longest cycle). In between playing mahjong, i asked hubby to take over while i visit the toilet.

I know that sometimes, when your pregnancy is still early, the tests will not be effective, but, since i have spare PG test kits, why not?
AND.. OH MY GOODNESS, it was POSITIVE!!

I couldn't believe my eyes.. smiling to myself, I left the results in the toilet and went outside to where my dearest is playing mahjong enthusiastically. I took over and whispered to him to go to the toilet to take a look.. he gave me a questioning look (as i was smiling like an idiot) and went immediately to investigate...

Later on, he told me he almost cried and took a picture of the result for keepsake! Me too, i took a picture too..

We made love so passionately later on (after winning money from our friends first!! :P) to celebrate!