sahm?? haha..

some thinks that being a tai tai is a luxury that one enjoy if their ah lau earn enough.. but, how much is enough?

the last 3 months, in spite of uncertainty, i been going thru the lifestyle of a SAHM and been shopping on weekdays, eating out with frenz, fetching my girl to school.. time flies..

mostly enjoyable.. these past 3 months, i had alot of help and support from in laws and maids.. a piviledge that few enjoy. yet, increasingly, i feel so lonely.. so out of touch.. very unwanted, the spare tyre to entertain.

@ MIL place, jadelle is handled by her (feeding, playing, washing, bathing etc) and i am mostly ignored by her, made worse by the fact that i have a permanent milk sucker latched on. when she doesn't want MIL< instead of me, she ask for my SIL to do stuff with her... this hurts so badly.. but i "ren".. cos, they still love her, not like torturing her?

but when she exhibits selfish behaviour that i condone and insist on correcting, i become the bad person. and she runs even more to the shelter of her grandparents and auntie for comfort and hugs.. frankly, i don't know how to correct... i only know my mum's method.. which only is applied when i go crazy and turn white with anger.. then, i lose control for that few minutes...i am actually capable of whacking my girl until she turn unconscious..that i am no better then my past caregivers..

i want to leave it all behind now. i despise this lifestyle and question why i have to be bogged down by all these? i want to be free.. yet i chose this.. love ain't enough after all.. i say this after so many years of dating.. cos we dun juz marry for love. u marry the entire family, u get bogged down by commitments and chained to a job u hate, u get driven mad by ur own flesh and blood..

my take? stay single & RICH AND HAVE COMMITMENT FREE FLINGS..

if one has to marry, choose one that is filthy rich - no commitment issues.. and oh yes, not in danger of going bankrupt and turning penniless.. (but u have to work extra hard to keep that man's eyes on u alone.) This way, u get to enjoy a tai tai life, spend as much money as u like, no need to slog for a salary to pay the bills.. and yes.. i hate to say this.. but it is true after all..

LOVE IS THE LOWEST RANK OF IMPORTANCE..cos, love fades..especially in the face of the daily grind of our lives..

now, since i had fallen into the pit with a glance at a miserable 0..3 carat ring, and tied myself further into this prison with 2 children.. and a seeming lack of communication with the other half.. won't be surprised if he seeking comfort from the crazy ice queen at home in the arms of another woman..what can i do?

wat is the way out? i am a mental case, i hug my girl in public but can possibly whack her senseless in private if i really go bonkers.. she aint safe with me..

divorce? thought about it.. useless..no job, no patience with my kids, kids being attached to in laws..unless i canwalk away from it all? can i bear to do that??

jadelle is insecure and in her terrible twos..

i am typing this feeling very down.. since ashton's arrival.. she has been feeling insecure and attention seeking from us and her grandparents and auntie..

yet, when she is sweet, she asked about Ashton and ask to sleep next to him etc.. i see her kissing him also..

but, her manner of seeking attention and getting her own way: screaming and crying and flailing her arms around and kicking and slapping people.. is driving me crazy..

Why does she do that? When she wants something, she juz turn on the tap.. was it because her grandparents give in to her tears too much and she keep pushing the limit? or was it a manner of seeking attention?

She knows that she has to share my attention with Ash. and she demands full attention from her grandma and auntie.

Recently, she has been demanding the items her auntie bought and meant to give her own son, Maderick. Is this her way to get the attention of her aunt to herself? to feel wanted? or is it just simply terrible twos?

When we do not give in, or the request is simply not achievable, no amount of reasoning is accepted by her and she starts throwing her tantrums and turning on the tap.

yes, i know it sounds exactly like me.. she behaved exactly like me when i was young.. what did my mum do? told me off in a firm and no nonsense voice to stop yelling.. and when that fails, she slapped me..

i told myself not to do that, to be patient, but i am at the brink of my sanity.. this week, i did the following to her:

slapped her face 4x
spanked her butt 5x
hit her hands 5x
cleaned her face agressively with a towel until marks appeared..
shouted at her in loud voices
threatened her to behave by warning that privileges will be removed.

AK also been behaving rather aggressively to her. he just flipped/ threw her on the bed after she vomitted and kept crying nonstop and refused to wear a particular pants..

she got headlice from her classmates.. we are trying to resolve this and it has been a very stressful period for me..

When Ashton and Jadelle both screamed.. i yelled at them and screamed and hit and whack back..

it is of no help that:

1) my relatives shunned me and indirectly blamed me for putting them in danger of contacting headlice..
2) i still have no luck in hunting for a new job
3) i feel so tired from breastfeeding, pumping (so little i can pump out.), handling jadelle and latching Ashton on every 2 hrs, instructing the maid, listen to nonsense from PIL, ferrying everyone to PIL place every morning, bring jadelle to school etc.
4) AK been yelling at me about my parenting method.

I dun think i can cope now.. my mind is full of negative stuff.. i feel despair.. what happened to my sweet girl? i can see in her eyes she dun want me already..

Already, she dun feel like my daughter, more like my MIL's grandaughter..

i wish i can die and leave everything behind in peace.....maybe i get peace of mind?

or maybe, i can leave all behind.. i dun think MIL will ever let me take care of their grandchildren if i ever file a divorce with AK..

Ashton went shopping with mummy... and can hold a rattle!

Baby Ash is growing up fast.. where did the time go?? Already, he can grasp his rattle well.. coos to Jade & us, put his hands on my chest when milkflow is slow and whines when he see me (his beloved pacifier) not carrying him..

We went Orchard today.. met some of the Jan 09 mummies.. whew.. not easy to sling him in MIM sling now!! gotta convert to bjorn and if go out with him alone, i will bring stroller!!

taxi from orchard to home.. 6 sgd..

had a coffee @ Dome.. as usual, my beloved macchiato.. wonders when can i be tai tai permanently.. as in.. got spare moolah to spend without wondering about budgeting for the family.. dream on..

time flies by.. ash iz 9 weeks..

Gathering of Jan 2009 babies - Ashton's 1st appearance..


on his new bunk bed..


sleeping in his beloved maxi cosi car seat on the zapp frame..


jalan @ kallang leisure park..




have been lazy...not been blogging as i should be...

Ashton is growing well and more alert.. he can lift up his head very strongly today while on tummy time..

and he started to smile at us @ 7 weeks old.. quite early!

We also made his passport..ready to go hong kong..

he is more talkative now.. and recognise me well.. and he seemed addicted to my breast.. i latch him mostly. and this round managed to store 1 pack a day..of about 120ml to 180ml on average..

now fridge got 40 packs.. no space liaoz..