jadelle is insecure and in her terrible twos..

i am typing this feeling very down.. since ashton's arrival.. she has been feeling insecure and attention seeking from us and her grandparents and auntie..

yet, when she is sweet, she asked about Ashton and ask to sleep next to him etc.. i see her kissing him also..

but, her manner of seeking attention and getting her own way: screaming and crying and flailing her arms around and kicking and slapping people.. is driving me crazy..

Why does she do that? When she wants something, she juz turn on the tap.. was it because her grandparents give in to her tears too much and she keep pushing the limit? or was it a manner of seeking attention?

She knows that she has to share my attention with Ash. and she demands full attention from her grandma and auntie.

Recently, she has been demanding the items her auntie bought and meant to give her own son, Maderick. Is this her way to get the attention of her aunt to herself? to feel wanted? or is it just simply terrible twos?

When we do not give in, or the request is simply not achievable, no amount of reasoning is accepted by her and she starts throwing her tantrums and turning on the tap.

yes, i know it sounds exactly like me.. she behaved exactly like me when i was young.. what did my mum do? told me off in a firm and no nonsense voice to stop yelling.. and when that fails, she slapped me..

i told myself not to do that, to be patient, but i am at the brink of my sanity.. this week, i did the following to her:

slapped her face 4x
spanked her butt 5x
hit her hands 5x
cleaned her face agressively with a towel until marks appeared..
shouted at her in loud voices
threatened her to behave by warning that privileges will be removed.

AK also been behaving rather aggressively to her. he just flipped/ threw her on the bed after she vomitted and kept crying nonstop and refused to wear a particular pants..

she got headlice from her classmates.. we are trying to resolve this and it has been a very stressful period for me..

When Ashton and Jadelle both screamed.. i yelled at them and screamed and hit and whack back..

it is of no help that:

1) my relatives shunned me and indirectly blamed me for putting them in danger of contacting headlice..
2) i still have no luck in hunting for a new job
3) i feel so tired from breastfeeding, pumping (so little i can pump out.), handling jadelle and latching Ashton on every 2 hrs, instructing the maid, listen to nonsense from PIL, ferrying everyone to PIL place every morning, bring jadelle to school etc.
4) AK been yelling at me about my parenting method.

I dun think i can cope now.. my mind is full of negative stuff.. i feel despair.. what happened to my sweet girl? i can see in her eyes she dun want me already..

Already, she dun feel like my daughter, more like my MIL's grandaughter..

i wish i can die and leave everything behind in peace.....maybe i get peace of mind?

or maybe, i can leave all behind.. i dun think MIL will ever let me take care of their grandchildren if i ever file a divorce with AK..