sahm?? haha..

some thinks that being a tai tai is a luxury that one enjoy if their ah lau earn enough.. but, how much is enough?

the last 3 months, in spite of uncertainty, i been going thru the lifestyle of a SAHM and been shopping on weekdays, eating out with frenz, fetching my girl to school.. time flies..

mostly enjoyable.. these past 3 months, i had alot of help and support from in laws and maids.. a piviledge that few enjoy. yet, increasingly, i feel so lonely.. so out of touch.. very unwanted, the spare tyre to entertain.

@ MIL place, jadelle is handled by her (feeding, playing, washing, bathing etc) and i am mostly ignored by her, made worse by the fact that i have a permanent milk sucker latched on. when she doesn't want MIL< instead of me, she ask for my SIL to do stuff with her... this hurts so badly.. but i "ren".. cos, they still love her, not like torturing her?

but when she exhibits selfish behaviour that i condone and insist on correcting, i become the bad person. and she runs even more to the shelter of her grandparents and auntie for comfort and hugs.. frankly, i don't know how to correct... i only know my mum's method.. which only is applied when i go crazy and turn white with anger.. then, i lose control for that few minutes...i am actually capable of whacking my girl until she turn unconscious..that i am no better then my past caregivers..

i want to leave it all behind now. i despise this lifestyle and question why i have to be bogged down by all these? i want to be free.. yet i chose this.. love ain't enough after all.. i say this after so many years of dating.. cos we dun juz marry for love. u marry the entire family, u get bogged down by commitments and chained to a job u hate, u get driven mad by ur own flesh and blood..

my take? stay single & RICH AND HAVE COMMITMENT FREE FLINGS..

if one has to marry, choose one that is filthy rich - no commitment issues.. and oh yes, not in danger of going bankrupt and turning penniless.. (but u have to work extra hard to keep that man's eyes on u alone.) This way, u get to enjoy a tai tai life, spend as much money as u like, no need to slog for a salary to pay the bills.. and yes.. i hate to say this.. but it is true after all..

LOVE IS THE LOWEST RANK OF IMPORTANCE..cos, love fades..especially in the face of the daily grind of our lives..

now, since i had fallen into the pit with a glance at a miserable 0..3 carat ring, and tied myself further into this prison with 2 children.. and a seeming lack of communication with the other half.. won't be surprised if he seeking comfort from the crazy ice queen at home in the arms of another woman..what can i do?

wat is the way out? i am a mental case, i hug my girl in public but can possibly whack her senseless in private if i really go bonkers.. she aint safe with me..

divorce? thought about it.. useless..no job, no patience with my kids, kids being attached to in laws..unless i canwalk away from it all? can i bear to do that??