26th August.. Jadelle finally stood a few seconds without support!

I need to record this... before i forgotten it in the years ahead... She crawled so confidently and halted, looked at us, raised her butt into the air on firm legs (absence of jelly legs!) and push herself up to a standing position and started clapping in glee!

We were all so surprised, but clapped along too! Grandpa, Daddy, Auntie & Uncle & mummy all witnessed it! Too bad Grandma went into the room to change and missed it!!

More and more, i need to refer to her as my Toddler, not my Baby.. She has grown so much.. and so pretty now with big trusting eyes that sparkle mischieviously at times.

I love her laughter, her smiles, her hugs and her kisses! (She love to kiss me on the mouth!). Time is spinning forward already..

Is it time for another one? I am resisting it, yet, knowing that age is against me.. sigh..What if I get another girl? Will I love her less? Will people pressure me for a boy to "carry on the family name" and all those nonsense? I can't imagine 2 girls..but i also cannot stop wondering, if we have a boy, who will he look like? Jadelle looks so much like AK.. i struggle to find myself in her sometimes..

Sometimes, i feel that my daughter don't belong to me and is claimed by his family. Should we ever separate, will this happen and Jadelle don't get to stay with me? I still don't feel a part of them. Maybe this is the struggle of all married women?

When my mood is dark, I wonder: if anything ever happened to my other half, what I will do? What will his family do? Do i have to take on the responsibility of supporting his parents? That seems unfair to me? Strangely, as years passed, my heart hardens towards them.

He is not planning well for us. Myopic, is what i called it. I understand fully that any unforeseen circumstances on him will put Jadelle and me in difficulty. I am concerned.. If anything were to happen to me? What role does my own family play in the upbringing of Jadelle? Re-marriage? quite possible, knowing him...

Sometimes, i look back and wonder.. why all the sacrifices that i have made? Why must I be the one agonising over milk feeds and night feeds and go through labour and make sacrifices at work? I seemed to have taken a step down the ladder to allow others to step over me?

I fully understand the phrase now, that you cannot marry for love alone... Fate really plays with me..